You Don’t Have to Accept Feedback
My favorite story about feedback involves a chat I once had with the former proprietor of a small music store outside New York City.
He told me about a time decades earlier when a group of teen-agers descended upon his shop. They started fiddling with guitars, amplifiers and a drum kit.
The drummer then grabbed a microphone and switched to vocalist role, belting out a rock classic during the impromptu jam session.
When the dust settled, the shop owner had one thing to say to the singer. “Kid, my advice? Stick to the drums!”
Well, 150 million record sales later, it’s almost certainly a good thing the singer did not heed that feedback.
That young man was Steven Tallarico of Yonkers, NY, who later won worldwide fame as Steven Tyler, lead singer of the legendary rock band Aerosmith.
While the teen-age Steven Tyler did not embrace the music shop owner’s feedback, he at least listened to it. There’s a lesson in that for those of us who instinctively cringe when we see feedback coming our way.
Why do we often stiffen up – or feel a sense of dread? There are many reasons. Sometimes feedback is delivered with finesse and sometimes it’s not. In some instances, feedback is well-intentioned, while other times it’s a Trojan Horse approach for expressing hostility.
Genuine feedback, on the other hand, seeks to build someone up, not tear them down.
Let’s be honest, there are other times when feedback is delivered carefully but we find the experience unpleasant because it mirrors things we have already discovered about ourselves. “I could have done better work,” or “I did dominate that conversation.”
Regardless, we often muster an awkward smile and grit our teeth while someone shares their take on our ideas or behaviors.
Instead, how would you feel about listening to someone’s feedback if you knew that you did not have to accept it as the absolute truth?
The key distinction here is the difference between “listening” and “accept.” What if all you promised yourself you would do was hear the other person out?
Could you digest the feedback as simply one person’s perspective on some aspect of you, rather than a sobering truth carved in stone?
Would you feel less defensive and more relaxed? Would you feel – and come across as – open and receptive rather than defensive?
There are many other benefits:
You model a behavior that reflects well on you as a leader, a colleague and a person.
You open yourself up to discovering the potential grain of truth within the feedback.
You build empathy for others who will receive your feedback by walking in their shoes.
The unescapable reality is that feedback is essential to growth and by extension, high performance.
As Steven Tyler sang in Aerosmith’s first number one single, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”